Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
