so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
