my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
