I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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