Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
