I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
