It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
