Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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