i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
