It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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