I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
