she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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