you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't turn off my feet"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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