i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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