So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
