I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
