she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize