My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
