Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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