Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
