I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
