Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
