i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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