Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
