We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
