Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
