If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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