I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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