my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
