I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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