Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
