I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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