He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
