Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
