genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
