just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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