If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I currently don't understand fingers.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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