you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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