Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
