i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
