ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
