Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
