You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
