just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
