Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
