I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
