As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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