apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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