Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you traded sex for a burrito?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
