If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
