hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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