remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
