We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
