did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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