im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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