Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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