fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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