I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
