a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
