atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
