oh god the rape fog is back!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
