Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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