Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
