you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
