my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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