I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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